So I have been thinking a lot recently about growing up and when is the right time to grow up... I'm 20 and I drink half a bottle of rum a night, smoke 15 cigarettes a day and go out as much as possible - admitting this to a few followers on twitter is more difficult than you think. This isn't the cool drinking and smoking that you see in american high-school/college movies, this is more like the drinking and smoking that you see in the movie 'flight' (great movie if you haven't seen it). I don't do these things for fun, this is my (new) version of self harm, these things keep me thinking straight(ish) they keep me out of turmoil(ish) and they keep me sane(ish) however they don't keep the people that know me happy - and to an extent they don't keep me happy, I'm very seriously thinking about therapy, and I'm thinking about writing about this journey on here, twitter, where I started 4/5 years ago. The kick starter for this train of thought is my girlfriend, Cat, leaving me. I honestly don't know what made her fall out of love with me but I can promise that the smoking and the drinking definitely didn't help. Neither did the disrespect for my own life, or the difficulty sleeping without a drink. these things have caused me essentially nothing but trouble, sure some nights out have been fun but drink-driving home? probably not worth it - not that that will stop me from doing it again in the near future, however peeing in front of coworkers because you're blind drunk - that's less fun! So I'm going to need some intervention.... that's intervention that I'm planning on sorting out myself. No body else has forced me into this or anything else, and i respect that to an extent. I plan on changing my life around and sorting out my problems, but at my own pace, nothing is going to change straight away and I don't expect it to, also I'm not going to become totally sober, I just want my drinking and smoking to become social rather than daily. Anyway, check back tomorrow to see if I've started the path to growing up. Also let me know if you've read this - it would mean a lot...