Since I was writing a book about a comedian I thought it would be a good idea to write a scene where he performs a full set. I thought it wa sa good idea right up until I had to write the fucking thing. So, with the Euro 2016 final on in the background, I opened a bottle of whisky and wrote this:
'Yeah, I hate young comedians too – let's just get this over with...
'I'll confess I got booed off the stage at my last gig. But here I am, returning like an abused husband who finds getting punched in the balls more comforting than not getting punched in the balls. At least it's human fucking contact...
'I live in a pretty scummy area. The kind of shithole where every building has at least one boarded-up window. Yet my neighbour just had a jacuzzi installed. That's a brave move. I've never tried to get a meth-addicted burglar out of a jacuzzi at 3AM but I would imagine it's just not worth the hassle to have someplace fancy to drink your Lambrini.
'Drugs are everywhere, aren't they? Well, in my house they fucking are. Yeah, I've dabbled. I'll tell your the worst thing about drugs. The worst thing about drugs is having to hold council with the centaur king – that guy's a cunt.
'Some people claim acid makes you smarter. I don't know about that, but I do know off acid I've never had to outwit a giant crab from the fifth dimension.
'Drugs... I think drugs are getting the better of me. Do you ever set about to do something only to realise you already did it? I get that a lot. Yeah, it's amusing now, but it becomes less amusing when the next thing I forget is clubbing six men to death at a service station...
'I think my main worry in life is meeting a woman with a puke fetish and her throwing up on me making me throw up making her think I'm fucking into it.
'My dream woman, though... My dream woman would be someone who, in ten years, suddenly realises she's not in love with me but has always been addicted to the misery. But she's too scared to leave, afraid that without me dragging her down she won't have the excuse of me to fall back on if she fails to achieve her ambitions... Well, either that or a petite brunette with a pussy like a fucking Chinese fingertrap.
'When I tell people my feelings, it's always the same response – they tell me to seek therapy. I don't need a therapist, more like a shaman. Or a fucking voodoo priest.
'I was in the newsagents at the bottom of my street the other day and I overheard a guy say to his girlfriend, “let's share a Diet Coke.” If I ever found myself in that kind of relationship I'd never stop crying.
'Fucking hell, is it me or have relationships become too Americanised? Nobody's happy because their love life isn't a fucking Nora Ephron movie. And I can't deal with all the ridiculous fucking slang creeping in. The analogies and metaphors. I was actually with an American girl... very briefly. You see, it was my understanding “third base” is a deep rimjob – or is this where I went wrong? I don't know fuck about baseball.
'I play guitar a little, and girlfriends would always ask me why I didn't write them songs. I tried, I really did. I've tried writing love songs. But when I think about past relationships all I can muster is seven minutes of howling like a wounded animal... That, and I could never think of anything to rhyme with Mexican Avalanche.
'My brain around beautiful women just isn't the most coherent place. I had an ex who said, “talk rude to me.” So I said, “if I flick your clitoris with the back of a warm spoon will you still love me in the morning?”
'Women turn my mind to mush. Another ex asked me, “if you weren't a comedian what would you be?” I looked her in the eyes, those breathtaking twin universes blooming to life, and said, “if I wasn't a comedian I'd be either a socket wrench or bite marks on your décolletage...”
'Orgies. I've been to an orgy. Okay, I say orgy, I had a wank in a public swimming pool...
'Valentine's Day soon. Lots of women out there bracing themselves for grand disappointment. Me, I'll be doing the usual – scraping my DNA out of a dead tramp's arsehole.
'If any guys here are stuck for Valentine's ideas, why not surprise your girlfriend with a murder-suicide...
'I like my women how I like my sea slugs – hermaphroditic.
'Not really. I like my women how I like my music – Rancid.
'I'm joking, of course. I like my women how I like my father – sexually abusive.
'I think the only hope for me is for my life to become so empty I end it all via auto-erotic asphyxiation...
'My time's almost up so I'll leave you with a couple of thoughts:
'My gay porn name – should that be where I end up to pay the bills – would be Lou Sanus.
'The most dignified way to die is while wrestling a puma.
The least dignified way to die is while getting fucked by a puma...'
'Yeah, I hate young comedians too – let's just get this over with...
'I'll confess I got booed off the stage at my last gig. But here I am, returning like an abused husband who finds getting punched in the balls more comforting than not getting punched in the balls. At least it's human fucking contact...
'I live in a pretty scummy area. The kind of shithole where every building has at least one boarded-up window. Yet my neighbour just had a jacuzzi installed. That's a brave move. I've never tried to get a meth-addicted burglar out of a jacuzzi at 3AM but I would imagine it's just not worth the hassle to have someplace fancy to drink your Lambrini.
'Drugs are everywhere, aren't they? Well, in my house they fucking are. Yeah, I've dabbled. I'll tell your the worst thing about drugs. The worst thing about drugs is having to hold council with the centaur king – that guy's a cunt.
'Some people claim acid makes you smarter. I don't know about that, but I do know off acid I've never had to outwit a giant crab from the fifth dimension.
'Drugs... I think drugs are getting the better of me. Do you ever set about to do something only to realise you already did it? I get that a lot. Yeah, it's amusing now, but it becomes less amusing when the next thing I forget is clubbing six men to death at a service station...
'I think my main worry in life is meeting a woman with a puke fetish and her throwing up on me making me throw up making her think I'm fucking into it.
'My dream woman, though... My dream woman would be someone who, in ten years, suddenly realises she's not in love with me but has always been addicted to the misery. But she's too scared to leave, afraid that without me dragging her down she won't have the excuse of me to fall back on if she fails to achieve her ambitions... Well, either that or a petite brunette with a pussy like a fucking Chinese fingertrap.
'When I tell people my feelings, it's always the same response – they tell me to seek therapy. I don't need a therapist, more like a shaman. Or a fucking voodoo priest.
'I was in the newsagents at the bottom of my street the other day and I overheard a guy say to his girlfriend, “let's share a Diet Coke.” If I ever found myself in that kind of relationship I'd never stop crying.
'Fucking hell, is it me or have relationships become too Americanised? Nobody's happy because their love life isn't a fucking Nora Ephron movie. And I can't deal with all the ridiculous fucking slang creeping in. The analogies and metaphors. I was actually with an American girl... very briefly. You see, it was my understanding “third base” is a deep rimjob – or is this where I went wrong? I don't know fuck about baseball.
'I play guitar a little, and girlfriends would always ask me why I didn't write them songs. I tried, I really did. I've tried writing love songs. But when I think about past relationships all I can muster is seven minutes of howling like a wounded animal... That, and I could never think of anything to rhyme with Mexican Avalanche.
'My brain around beautiful women just isn't the most coherent place. I had an ex who said, “talk rude to me.” So I said, “if I flick your clitoris with the back of a warm spoon will you still love me in the morning?”
'Women turn my mind to mush. Another ex asked me, “if you weren't a comedian what would you be?” I looked her in the eyes, those breathtaking twin universes blooming to life, and said, “if I wasn't a comedian I'd be either a socket wrench or bite marks on your décolletage...”
'Orgies. I've been to an orgy. Okay, I say orgy, I had a wank in a public swimming pool...
'Valentine's Day soon. Lots of women out there bracing themselves for grand disappointment. Me, I'll be doing the usual – scraping my DNA out of a dead tramp's arsehole.
'If any guys here are stuck for Valentine's ideas, why not surprise your girlfriend with a murder-suicide...
'I like my women how I like my sea slugs – hermaphroditic.
'Not really. I like my women how I like my music – Rancid.
'I'm joking, of course. I like my women how I like my father – sexually abusive.
'I think the only hope for me is for my life to become so empty I end it all via auto-erotic asphyxiation...
'My time's almost up so I'll leave you with a couple of thoughts:
'My gay porn name – should that be where I end up to pay the bills – would be Lou Sanus.
'The most dignified way to die is while wrestling a puma.
The least dignified way to die is while getting fucked by a puma...'