PARODY! SATIRE! PARODY! SATIRE! PARODY! SATIRE!
Study Says Free Lunches Overpriced, Lack Nutrition
Offline
From "Opiate of the People"
A controversial government study today revealed an astounding conclusion: free lunches are expensive and lack nutrition. All copies of the study have since disappeared and the members of the blue-ribbon panel which produced it have not been seen since it was released.
President Obama condemned the results, alleging that the panelists were "receiving bread under the table from the restaurant industry."
"It's nonsense," said the president. "Michelle and I get free lunches all the time and they don't cost us a thing. As far as not being nutritious, well, can anyone believe that after seeing the size of my wife's..." The president was interrupted by a loud noise off stage before completing his thought.
Other critics were less tactful than our unifying president.
"Their conclusion is ridiculous!" claimed Mora Forrus, president of Free Stuff Distribution Employees Union, a nationwide labor organization, which represents workers who help distribute free lunches.
"Just think about it: 'free' means it don't cost anything, so it's free! And 'lunch' is food, which means it's nourishing. Put them together and you get a nourishing free lunch! It's not rocket science!"
"This is right wing propaganda designed to deprive people of their free lunches!" said Forrus, whose union is threatening to strike unless their demands for a wage increase are met. "Distributing free lunches is a tough job - you can't expect us to work for NOTHING!"
"I have never read anything so heartless and insensitive in my life" stated Willie Cheatem, spokesperson for the Lunch Manufacturers Association, a food processing and repast fabricators trade group.
"How can they say free lunches are expensive? Our members make lunches as inexpensively as possible, barely 20% or so more than it would cost you to buy food and make lunch yourself. Our profit margins are razor thin - any lower and lunch manufacturers would be just breaking even. It wouldn't be worth being in business."
Free_Lunch_Commie.png
In spite of the intense criticism, the study's supporters continue to stand behind its absurd conclusions. One such advocate, who wished to remain anonymous as he was hiding under his desk in an undisclosed location after being chased from his office by an angry mob, offered this explanation:
"Look, there are people who grow the food, people who assemble the food into lunches, and people who hand out the lunches. All of them want to be paid. If the lunches are FREE, then who the hell is going to pay all these people?"
"Everybody wants things to be cheaper or free, but for work they do, they want a raise," he continued. "That's contradictory. If goods and services become cheaper, how can the companies that produce them pay everyone more? It doesn't add up!"
He then tried to prove his points with the following Tweets made by the renown Democrat strategist Donna Brazile.
9FEDA96DD13A4057BBFAF136E2670AD7.png
But experts remain unanimous in their condemnation of the dubious study.
"That kind of hateful, divisive rhetoric is what poisons the debate", stated Nobel Prize winning Economist and Lunch Eater for the NY Times, Paul Krugman. "Do you want to go to lunch? I have an expense account, it's on the house!"
Study Says Free Lunches Overpriced, Lack Nutrition
Offline
From "Opiate of the People"
A controversial government study today revealed an astounding conclusion: free lunches are expensive and lack nutrition. All copies of the study have since disappeared and the members of the blue-ribbon panel which produced it have not been seen since it was released.
President Obama condemned the results, alleging that the panelists were "receiving bread under the table from the restaurant industry."
"It's nonsense," said the president. "Michelle and I get free lunches all the time and they don't cost us a thing. As far as not being nutritious, well, can anyone believe that after seeing the size of my wife's..." The president was interrupted by a loud noise off stage before completing his thought.
Other critics were less tactful than our unifying president.
"Their conclusion is ridiculous!" claimed Mora Forrus, president of Free Stuff Distribution Employees Union, a nationwide labor organization, which represents workers who help distribute free lunches.
"Just think about it: 'free' means it don't cost anything, so it's free! And 'lunch' is food, which means it's nourishing. Put them together and you get a nourishing free lunch! It's not rocket science!"
"This is right wing propaganda designed to deprive people of their free lunches!" said Forrus, whose union is threatening to strike unless their demands for a wage increase are met. "Distributing free lunches is a tough job - you can't expect us to work for NOTHING!"
"I have never read anything so heartless and insensitive in my life" stated Willie Cheatem, spokesperson for the Lunch Manufacturers Association, a food processing and repast fabricators trade group.
"How can they say free lunches are expensive? Our members make lunches as inexpensively as possible, barely 20% or so more than it would cost you to buy food and make lunch yourself. Our profit margins are razor thin - any lower and lunch manufacturers would be just breaking even. It wouldn't be worth being in business."
Free_Lunch_Commie.png
In spite of the intense criticism, the study's supporters continue to stand behind its absurd conclusions. One such advocate, who wished to remain anonymous as he was hiding under his desk in an undisclosed location after being chased from his office by an angry mob, offered this explanation:
"Look, there are people who grow the food, people who assemble the food into lunches, and people who hand out the lunches. All of them want to be paid. If the lunches are FREE, then who the hell is going to pay all these people?"
"Everybody wants things to be cheaper or free, but for work they do, they want a raise," he continued. "That's contradictory. If goods and services become cheaper, how can the companies that produce them pay everyone more? It doesn't add up!"
He then tried to prove his points with the following Tweets made by the renown Democrat strategist Donna Brazile.
9FEDA96DD13A4057BBFAF136E2670AD7.png
But experts remain unanimous in their condemnation of the dubious study.
"That kind of hateful, divisive rhetoric is what poisons the debate", stated Nobel Prize winning Economist and Lunch Eater for the NY Times, Paul Krugman. "Do you want to go to lunch? I have an expense account, it's on the house!"